Renowned marriage counsellor and founder, Baynakum Family Counselling Centre, Abuja, Dr. AbdulFattah Adeyemi has warned against disobedience and insubordination among couples, saying it remained one of the major causes of divorce in the society.
Speaking at the quarterly Da’wah workshop of Lekki Muslim Ummah, LEMU, last Sunday, at the Vice Admiral Jubrila Ayinla Multipurpose hall, Lekki Central Mosque, Lagos, Dr. Adeyemi described marital discord as insubordination from wife to husband and vice versa.
According to him, “it also means, if the wife or husband has left their responsibility to the other person. Nushuuz is insubordination from the wife to her husband or the other way round. A woman who does nushuuz looks like the land that sticks out from its ground.”
Other causes of marital discord identified by Dr. Adeyemi in his lecture titled ‘Growing Marital Discord among Muslims: Causes and Solutions’ include irreconcilable goals and different direction in life, lack of shared interests, conflict, irretrievable breakdown in the relationship, infidelity/extramarital affairs, lack of intimacy, among others.
He advised couples to always manage their affairs very well, adding that there should be a spirit of reciprocity with either of them not taking the other for granted, irrespective of the situation.
According to him, “Let’s not look for blame anymore, let’s look within ourselves. In fact, it is when things are going wrong in the community that we need to be more merciful towards one another. Let the wife understand that this man is going through stress, he has to pay school fees, house rent, to take care of a lot of financial commitments and he doesn’t have the means of doing so conveniently. Let the wife be merciful towards him and make life easier for him. Let them manage whatever is available and speak encouraging words to their husbands.
“So, people should stop transferring aggression. Couples should take care of one another, speak kindly, give hope and encouragement to one another, so that they can deal with the pains of these difficult times,” he said.
Technology, part-time parenting as causes
A lecturer at the Lagos State University, LASU, Dr. Ganiyat Adenle-Tijani said the advent of technology, social media and political correctness are making parenting harder in the 21st Century, adding that part-time parenting was responsible for most of societal problems.
Adenle-Tijani, who spoke on Challenges of Parenting in the 21st Century noted that the apps that kids are exposed to today were not there before; adding that, “the online platforms are new to us. Now, somebody far away can access your daughter, arrange a meeting with her and then violate her without your knowledge.
“Apart from that, the present political correctness of everybody trying to recognize all these behaviours as human rights makes it difficult. I think at the end of the day, as Muslim parents, we just need to understand that there will continue to be emerging challenges. The responsibility on us is to pay attention and to actually adjust our training models to be able to cater for these challenges,” she noted.
“I think today, we are becoming more like part-time parents. That is actually what is responsible for most of our problems. Another thing is, we actually think we can use authority to control our children. It doesn’t work. We have to convince them that this is the right thing, so that when you’re with or not with them, they will be conscious of doing the right thing.
“Also, we need other people who share our views to actually mentor our kids. If you’re determined to do it alone, when they run into problems and they’re not confident to talk to you, and you haven’t provided them with good mentors, they will take advice from the wrong people,” she said.
Dr. Adenle-Tijani urged parents to constantly pay attention to their children while in school, saying that doing this will afford them the opportunity to know what’s happening to them.
Adhere to Quran and sunnah — Imam Jamiu
Imam Ridwanullah Jamiu, the Chief Imam, Lekki Central Mosque said adherence to the guidance of the Qur’an and Sunnah in marital lives will guarantee success in this life affairs and the hereafter.
Speaking on tips on successful marriage, Imam Jamiu enjoined couples to make the dua’ for a happy home their personal principle.
According to the Imam, “The husband should do everything possible to ensure that his wife finds happiness, prosperity. The wife too should ensure that she does everything possible to make her husband happy and avoid what could lead them to hell fire.
She advised couples to always fulfill each other’s needs; be dutiful and responsible for the sake of Allah; communicate well and never keep malice.
“Another thing is, we have to be honest and faithful. We should not be indulging in adultery or fornication whether we are married or not, but especially when we are married. We should not cheat on our spouses. Infidelity has destroyed so many homes.
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“We also need to be tolerant of each other because we all have weaknesses. If we focus on the negative aspects of each other, we will not see the positives and it may lead to divorce. We should also learn to appreciate each other. Anyone who does something that makes you happy, appreciate it. It’s very important in marriage.
“We should ensure we make dua’ for each other. Whenever we are having challenges, the first way to go is to report it to Allah before involving outsiders in it. Some are so quick to involve others in their marital issues instead of involving Allah first for guidance,” he added.
The theme of the workshop is – “The Muslim Home and Contemporary Challenges” paraded an array of educationists, religious leaders and marriage counselors, who spoke on ranging topics.